Renewed.

What is summer? What does it represent?

I thought it was a symbol of renewal. It seems we create these holidays or seasons to represent how different we vow to be. We get to our next renewal destination just to look behind us and see that they were nothing more than dead words. The one thing we vie for yet are terrified of: change.

Let's take a look into the past. 2010 was huge. I turned 18, did some things I'm truly ashamed of, the birth of my godson, graduated from high school, moved out of my parents house, and so much more. Well then came along 2011. Exceeded the hugeness of the prior year. Made a life for myself, lived outside my home,took a leap of faith, met a person that completely changed my life, jet set off to the opposite side of the world, got accepted to the school I'd been dreaming of for years, and losing my best friend. I truthfully thought not much could amount to the insanity and excitement of 2011, but I was in for a surprise. I forgot that I entered into a whole NU world.

While nothing as life changing as moving to Australia, the birth of a child, or graduating has happened, I believe the first half of this year is only a smidgen of what is to come. In the last six months I've become a person I have so much respect for and a person that I can't stand to be around. I've learned to stand up to myself. I still have a lot of standing to do. I don't think that many people, based on who I've shown myself to be, can truly respect me. They see the happy, slightly spastic, occasionally over-the-top, always has a comeback girl. While I love that part of me, I refuse to let that be the only part people see. Not to say that I'm not all those things, however, people see this as an excuse to take me for granted and person they can take advantage of. For the longest time I saw it as me choosing the higher road and that life wasn't worth wasting on silly fights. 

That's the problem I've had. I won't fight for my life. Why do we wait until we're dying to decide to live? I've been told recently that I'm not passionate about anything. When I heard this I was appalled. I feel like I'm full to the brim with passion. That's exactly the issue. I have just enough to let it sit at the top. What it's lacking is that one extra drop to send it over the edge, to take it into action. What I've realized about myself is that I have so many ideas, so much love to give, so much passion for life and for what I believe in, yet it all stays within me. 

So here I am. Here I am at the intersection of comfortability and movement. I've been on the road of comfortability for far too long. I have to know that as soon as I turn, there is no going back.  I can't look back at these resolutions I decided to make on a lazy Sunday night out of over-thinking and boredom. This is more serious than almost anything I've ever chosen. I hear that speaking things in are more apt to happen. So, internet, here I go spilling my guts to you once again. 

Here is to the future. Start being something that keeps your dreams up at night.

Health: You are not taken serious enough. I vow to eat wiser, take care of you more generously, and stop making excuses. To the bag of hot cheetos I just so wonderfully consumed, see you never again. To the Taco Bell that was sitting in the back of my mind, Think Outside the Belly, because that's your new home. To my lovely workout enthusiast, this promise is on the internet, so therefore official. Don't let me get out of it. Work me up to a place that I won't need your push, so don't push me too hard too qiuckly. Body, get ready to be a lean mean fightin' machine.

Friendships: The second most important piece of the puzzle of my life. This has two parts. You and I. As for me, I promise to remember that I'm not the only person in your life. I'm sorry for being selfish and know that it's only because I love you. I will continue to let you know how important you are to me and that I'll be here unconditionally. You can't get rid of me that quickly. Then there is the other half of this whole relationship, you. Whether I mean the world to you or am a quick hello, do not take me for granted. While I will be here whether you are or not, do not take that as a sign to keep me on the backburner of your life, it hurts. While I might not be your first option, don't make me feel like your last. 

Love: After transitioning out of a short, yet educational first legitimate relationship I've had I have a very clear picture of what I'm looking for in the future. Remember, that differences are needed. You shouldn't fall in love with someone exactly like you, chances are you might in turn find out you truly resent certain aspects of yourself. Find someone that is so deeply immersed in the love of Christ, yet can make you laugh, not only tolerates, but encourages your silliness. Do not, by any means, settle for less than what you believe in. Don't be shy to the fact that what you want is a future. You are entering into the age of real adulthood and know that while you can't expect the next one to be THE one, be able to see the promise of potential.

Faith: God knows I've been struggling. Bible, what is that? Church, where is that? Praying, how do I do that? While I have daily talks to myself about how much I know God loves me and there is no lack of the foundation of my relationship with Christ, I'm being a very neglectful piece of this love story. It has to stop. It's not only about the acknowledgement of what He does for me, does in me, and does without me even being aware. I'm a part of this as well. I need to stop asking and start giving. Read my bible, not out of routine, but out of awe of the sweet words my Love has prepared for me. Small group, not to just meet people and have something to do on any given night, but because I want to remain in fellowship and grow in my Love for You. Praying. Stop looking at it as a speech. Just talk to Him. He is listening. He can understand exactly what you're saying no matter how you choose to articulate it. Fall in Love again.

While I could sit here all day and say thing I could and should be doing, I'm going to stop and actually do what I've spent an entire essay trying to convey. Change is good. Difference is good. Do it for the right reasons. Think about what means the most to you and pursue it. Life is short, you only live once. YOLO the junk out of life. Take the path you've been given stop walking, run. Run until you can't run anymore, let Him pick you back up and keep running. I believe in you. He believes in you. It's time for you to believe in you.

Go.

Letting the Son Shine

Summertime.

Quite possibly the best ten letter word known to man.
This summer in particular is a very special one to me. I'm going through a huge life and heart change. The sun signifies to me that although darkness and rainfall take coverage of the place I live that the light will always prevail.

Ending my first semester at the school of my dreams leaves me with mixed emotions. I never had to deal with the amount of stress and childlike drama in high school like I have during these last four months. I've let boys, friends, dramatics, and distraction take my focus off of the two reasons I came to Northwest which were God and my education.

I could feel myself being so unmotivated for anything prosperous in my life. I've just sort of  

been.

Don't get me wrong, I've had tons of fun. I've met some friends I hope to keep the rest of my life. Not all of this experience has been discouraging, which I feel blessed for. If God has taught me one thing through all of this is that I really do need to make Him the center for my life and decisions. I'm taken back to when I was in Australia and while everything around me was falling apart, the fact that I was right with Jesus and focused fully on Him, nothing could touch me. No amount of rain could ruin my parade. He was all that I needed and I was  overwhelmed with happiness.

While I will enjoy my summer to its absolute fullest and make some incredible memories, it means something different this year. It's a time where I will let my sun be the Son and will let my words be the Word. I need to make some radical changes. I'm done being complacent with how my life is. Today is the day the Lord has made and I plan on rejoicing and being glad in it. I will no longer worry what others think. I will no longer be okay with less than God has for me. I refuse to not live to my full potential and put everything I have into the plans set forth for me.

In a way I feel reborn. I've already been reborn through Christ, but this is something different. I've been given a new heart and mind. My soul is already brand new through the love and blood of my Savior, but now it's up to me to let that love and knowledge flow to other vital parts of my life. I pray for the wisdom and understanding to help my brain guide me to decisions that are smart and productive. I pray that my heart can harness love and grace like never before. I already have the teacher, I just need to stop and listen to Him.

The answers aren't in the back of the book this time. I need to stop looking for the quick fix, the cheat sheet, or wait for others to give me the answers. I need to step back and pause. Open up the Word of God. Be enveloped into a world that isn't my own. I need to realize that the answers to life will not be force fed to me, doors won't just open, life doesn't work that way. Desiring a relationship, a true, meaningful, loving relationship with my Creator is all I need. Knowing Him is knowing the world. I know that He has not forgotten me, so how could I let myself forget Him. He has all the answers because he is the answer.

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

Reign Down On Me

Besides the Starbucks at every corner, Space Needle, and

Pike's Place, Seattle is known for one thing:

rain.

 Rain used to be one of my favorite things. I love the smell of it as it hits the dirt. I love the feel of it just pouring down. I love the sound of it hit tin rooftops.Paints a pretty picture, right...wrong.Wrong when you see far more of it than you were ever hoping to in a 

lifetime. 

In the last few days Mother Nature has been extremely emotional. It's sunny, it's raining, it's hailing, it's raining, it's sleeting, it's raining. It has been extremely frustrating to me after coming home from a week of sun, tanning, and uninterrupted bliss. I've tried to maintain a positive, normal-like, energetic mood as best as I can, however the weather seems to have gotten everyone in a cloudy mood. That was until...today.

I started the morning bright and early at 7:30 am. I immediately fell back asleep. Who gets up that early on purpose? I then woke up around 9:15 after my first class had already begun. I took a shower, blow-dried, and straightened my hair(extremely rare occurrence since I've been here), attempted at waking up my oh so cranky best friend for Chapel, and ultimately ended up going without her. Another friend had met me in my room to head up to Chapel. We looked outside at the extreme downpour we were about to walk into and I thought to myself, "Uhm, I just straightened my hair. I am NOT ruining this. No way." So, what's the normal thing to do? Take my backpack off and put it over my hair. Then it happened. Being me, I thought it was a clever idea to put my phone and camera in the very front pocket of my backpack so that when I lifted it above my head they both would come crashing down, shattering my smart phone. Clearly wasn't as smart as it appeared to be.

A few minutes later we find out Chapel is canceled and I feel even more frustrated that this happened...and for what? Absolutely nothing. I continued to have the same, angry mentality throughout the rest of the day. In my Christian Thought class, which I'll admit I was half-listening to, I heard one thing extremely clear. "The Holy Spirit will make it apparent that it's there. When it reveals itself, you will know." As I walked down from class, still in the rain, I noticed something. I saw rain all around me, in front, behind, on both sides...yet I didnt feel

one

single

drop.

Now this might just sound weird to you, but I truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. What? You didn't feel rain on you so clearly it was the inclusion of the Holy Spirit. It was. As I kept walking I thought maybe I just wasn't feeling it because my clothes were shielding me from the dampness. Then I got inside and realized I was completely dry. I knew what I was feeling, however, feeling only accounts for so much. I sat down and dove a little bit deeper into what God's point was in all of this and then it came to me. 

Life is full of rainstorms. The things of this world cloud our judgment and it's voice is a thundering roar. However, we have an umbrella of hope that will protect us through any storm. God protects us in our darkest, coldest, most frustrating times and continues to be that ray of sunshine we need to light our way back to comfort and warmth.

It was so easy for me this Spring Break when I was outside of the real world and everything seemed to be going right. I had so much on my mind leading up to that trip. I had a sense of guilt about almost everything. I had an extremely confusing boy situation that tore me up inside at the thought of hurting or being hurt and while I still don't know how they feel about it, I was at peace that clarification was being revealed. I had been praying for so long for a friendship that I value more than almost any other to be mended back together. The thought of being so disconnected from someone I value, respect, and admire so much and the possibility of them just not caring, killed me inside. Over the course of that trip and the few days since, it happened. That friendship has been restored and I pray that it continues to stay how it is, if not get better. So many good things had been happening while I was away and as soon as I got home I let the world enter back into my heart. I let it pour on me in all the things I was hoping to be rid of.

My prayer from here forward is that God will reign over any rain that may try to wash away the plans He has for me. Remembering that lightening never strikes twice and that everyday is a new one to electrify the Kingdom of God. That I may have to walk through a few puddles but under His grace I will never get caught in a flood. I'm so blessed to be alive. I pray I get the privilege to continue to wake up every morning and see the Son shining through my window.

Light of the world, forever reign.

Water Turned Into Wine

Miracles. 

They happen everyday. I always envisioned a miracle looking something like being able to walk on water, turning a couple loaves of bread into a feast for everyone and their brother, or making blind men see. The reality is that a miracle is simply something that you can't do on your own.

mir·a·cle

           [mir-uh-kuhl] 

noun

1.

an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

The most common miracle I've seen in my life would definitely be water turning into wine. Taking something common and normal and totally bringing the party to it. Jesus wants us to raise our red solo cups filled with the blessings he continues to serve us. A shot of love, chased down with a strong passion for us. It's some strong stuff. He wants us to be drunk. Being drunk gives you an alternate sense of reality. It takes you to a place that is not your normal realm of thoughts and ideas. I want to get totally crunk off the love of Jesus. I want to see HIS alternate reality, ideals, and plans for me. 

Since I've arrived at Northwest University I've been on a whirlwind of emotions and adventures. I've met people I hope to know for the rest of my life. I am finding myself getting more and more in love with my Creator. I can't help but be excited for the rest of my life. Everyday is a miracle. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. REJOICE in today!

Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! 

The Stand.

It's been quite the week. So much has happened. The majority of it took place in my mind. I've felt such

joy

terror

 annoyance

sadness

weakness

but most of all, love.

 

The years, months, and days leading up to this journey have been played up in my head to create this imagery of perfection and pure happiness. I didn't take into account how reality might play out. I didn't think about the actuality of how I would react to such a new environment, financial confusion, lonliness, and fear of the unknown. I would tell myself, "Hannah, your faith will guide you through this. There is nothing to worry about." While this is true, we were made with these things called feelings and fears. 

My lovelies. Kenzie and Jordy :)

I found out a week before I left that I had not been placed with a new roommate, since the falling through of my original one. As I finally arrived at what had become my personal Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth that I could imagine, it hit me. I was really here. This was reality now. As I was filling out a housing form I saw a girl and her mom sitting on the couch next to me, also filling theirs out. I looked up a few times and thought, my word that girl is pretty...and...I really need to go shopping. She looked like so much fun and oh so classy! We then looked at our forms and both noticed something quite pecuiliar...our room numbers seemed to be a perfect match. Are you kidding me? YES! SCORE! I was absolutely delighted. Definitely a "Praise the Lord" moment. 

My incredible new friends! Lalo,Kenzie,Gilbert,Jordy. Love them!

While lots of people would rejoice in the fact of having no roommate, I detested the idea. I prayed so much that they would find me a placement. Needless to say, we were both excited and immediately hit it off. For the last week or so we have been absolutely inseparable. She is one of those people that completely captures the room even before she walks in. At times I felt in her shadow and really believed that I was going to be stuck there all semester. Once I realized that it as my insecurity and not her fault I was able to have peace and start becoming myself again. I've made tons of new friends! I'm sure they aren't quite sure whether to think I'm funny or crazy. It's a question I ask myself everyday. I love who I've been created to be because I've learned to trust my Creator.

This has definitely been the most insecure week of my life. I've felt emotions I didn't know I had.  While at first I viewed this insecurity as a bad thing it led me to something, someONE who is always there for me. Jesus has been blowing my mind this week. Every Monday night there is an hour long worship session called Pursuit and it is something I have been unknowingly searching for. You can worship anywhere, however, my love language is quality time. Quality time with Jesus and people loving Jesus is one of the coolest feelings imaginable. I also was put outside my comfort zone. God was persistent on one thing that night, he kept saying "SPEAK TO ME. SHOUT OUT TO ME". I thought to myself, I am! "NO! Talk to me! Let me hear your voice!" I have issues praying aloud. I tend to proofread my prayer as I'm saying it and it becomes more about the delievery, rather than truly speaking to Jesus.

In that moment I opened my mouth and I talked. I spoke to Him. I told Him my heart. I told Him I loved Him. I thanked Him for the friends new and old that I've been blessed with. I prayed to be challenged this semester and beyond. 

I've been at one church for 7 1/2 years. It's all I've known. I haven't ventured out and challenged myself. I haven't let myself out of fear of not being able to handle it. I felt like I couldn't do this whole "Jesus thing" like those people I looked up to. Jesus isn't cookie cutter. He can't be put into a syllabus. I pray everyday and would appreciate if you prayed that Jesus would consume my life this semester. Pray for challenge. Pray for growth. 

I will stand every day.

Arms high and heart abandoned

in AWE of the one who gave it all.

Stand up and be the Jesus people can see. Lift your arms up as to let Him pick you up and feel the embrace of His endless and unfailing love. Let your heart be abandoned to let Him occupy it. Stand in awe as you recall the most beautiful thing anyone has and will ever do for you. Remember that you were made for a purpose. A purpose so unimaginable and beautiful that Death will never be able to hold you down.

You are loved.

Your Love Is a Song

Oh Your love is a symphony.

I love the way your heart beats in unison with mine. Your voice is a melody to soothe me. I can hear the tone of your strength and the vibrato of your peace that lives within me. You're my favorite song. I keep you on repeat all day, never in silence. When the worries of the world feel like too much to handle I just turn your volume up. You are music to my ears and the root of my being. Thank you for listening to me. But thank you even more for letting me listen to you.

That Awkward Moment.

You know those awkward moments we all go through. Oh wait, I believe the word is life. 

Life is full of awkwardness. We don't know what we're doing or why we're doing it most of the time. In the moment everything usually makes sense. It's not until we reflect back and realize how the situation, in reality, panned out and what we could have done differently.

Time machines do not exist and we can't take back something once we've entered it into the the world. I just lost my best friend due to both of us having issues. I realize, looking back, that I should have not said things that I said. I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. Most of all I realize the damage is done and only time and a change of heart can mend what's been broken. Although sad, I am extremely content with where my life is right now.

It also helped me realize that I have a problem. I believe it's called word vomit. I tend to spew out things I wish I never said. I don't hear what comes out of my mouth or my keyboard for that matter sometimes. I have spent a lot of my time in life alone. At times I love it. However it has taken me to a place that I really need to work on. I tend to overthink when I'm alone. I daydream. I Facebook... I read too much into things. Oh he messaged me on Facebook. Wow...he's cute. At the rate this is going we're probably going to get married. I go from 0 to 60 in five seconds. I then tell all my closest friends everything I'm feeling...in extreme detail might I add. Like I said, I have word vomit. I can't help what I'm saying, it just comes out. 

It gets really bad once I finally am interacting with real life human beings. I can hear my conscience telling me to shut my mouth and calm down, but my spastic brain is too busy thinking to listen. I've become so accustomed to being alone that when I finally get with people I have to release all that's been happening in my head. It's become more of a personality trait than I would like. I'm praying in this transition into my whole NU world can slowly cure me of word vomit. This sickness enables me to say things I probably shouldn't say. I sincerely hope that I'm able to truly start over in this new chapter of my life.

Although I know people at my new school, at times I wish I didn't. At times I wish I could truly start over. A clean slate. A place where nobody knows me. A place where nobody has pre-concieved notions of me. I don't know what is going on in anyone's minds and at times it can get extremely frustrating. Word vomit and social awkwardness is no longer in my future. Some things are just better left unsaid.

Don't just be another awkward moment.