Renewed.

What is summer? What does it represent?

I thought it was a symbol of renewal. It seems we create these holidays or seasons to represent how different we vow to be. We get to our next renewal destination just to look behind us and see that they were nothing more than dead words. The one thing we vie for yet are terrified of: change.

Let's take a look into the past. 2010 was huge. I turned 18, did some things I'm truly ashamed of, the birth of my godson, graduated from high school, moved out of my parents house, and so much more. Well then came along 2011. Exceeded the hugeness of the prior year. Made a life for myself, lived outside my home,took a leap of faith, met a person that completely changed my life, jet set off to the opposite side of the world, got accepted to the school I'd been dreaming of for years, and losing my best friend. I truthfully thought not much could amount to the insanity and excitement of 2011, but I was in for a surprise. I forgot that I entered into a whole NU world.

While nothing as life changing as moving to Australia, the birth of a child, or graduating has happened, I believe the first half of this year is only a smidgen of what is to come. In the last six months I've become a person I have so much respect for and a person that I can't stand to be around. I've learned to stand up to myself. I still have a lot of standing to do. I don't think that many people, based on who I've shown myself to be, can truly respect me. They see the happy, slightly spastic, occasionally over-the-top, always has a comeback girl. While I love that part of me, I refuse to let that be the only part people see. Not to say that I'm not all those things, however, people see this as an excuse to take me for granted and person they can take advantage of. For the longest time I saw it as me choosing the higher road and that life wasn't worth wasting on silly fights. 

That's the problem I've had. I won't fight for my life. Why do we wait until we're dying to decide to live? I've been told recently that I'm not passionate about anything. When I heard this I was appalled. I feel like I'm full to the brim with passion. That's exactly the issue. I have just enough to let it sit at the top. What it's lacking is that one extra drop to send it over the edge, to take it into action. What I've realized about myself is that I have so many ideas, so much love to give, so much passion for life and for what I believe in, yet it all stays within me. 

So here I am. Here I am at the intersection of comfortability and movement. I've been on the road of comfortability for far too long. I have to know that as soon as I turn, there is no going back.  I can't look back at these resolutions I decided to make on a lazy Sunday night out of over-thinking and boredom. This is more serious than almost anything I've ever chosen. I hear that speaking things in are more apt to happen. So, internet, here I go spilling my guts to you once again. 

Here is to the future. Start being something that keeps your dreams up at night.

Health: You are not taken serious enough. I vow to eat wiser, take care of you more generously, and stop making excuses. To the bag of hot cheetos I just so wonderfully consumed, see you never again. To the Taco Bell that was sitting in the back of my mind, Think Outside the Belly, because that's your new home. To my lovely workout enthusiast, this promise is on the internet, so therefore official. Don't let me get out of it. Work me up to a place that I won't need your push, so don't push me too hard too qiuckly. Body, get ready to be a lean mean fightin' machine.

Friendships: The second most important piece of the puzzle of my life. This has two parts. You and I. As for me, I promise to remember that I'm not the only person in your life. I'm sorry for being selfish and know that it's only because I love you. I will continue to let you know how important you are to me and that I'll be here unconditionally. You can't get rid of me that quickly. Then there is the other half of this whole relationship, you. Whether I mean the world to you or am a quick hello, do not take me for granted. While I will be here whether you are or not, do not take that as a sign to keep me on the backburner of your life, it hurts. While I might not be your first option, don't make me feel like your last. 

Love: After transitioning out of a short, yet educational first legitimate relationship I've had I have a very clear picture of what I'm looking for in the future. Remember, that differences are needed. You shouldn't fall in love with someone exactly like you, chances are you might in turn find out you truly resent certain aspects of yourself. Find someone that is so deeply immersed in the love of Christ, yet can make you laugh, not only tolerates, but encourages your silliness. Do not, by any means, settle for less than what you believe in. Don't be shy to the fact that what you want is a future. You are entering into the age of real adulthood and know that while you can't expect the next one to be THE one, be able to see the promise of potential.

Faith: God knows I've been struggling. Bible, what is that? Church, where is that? Praying, how do I do that? While I have daily talks to myself about how much I know God loves me and there is no lack of the foundation of my relationship with Christ, I'm being a very neglectful piece of this love story. It has to stop. It's not only about the acknowledgement of what He does for me, does in me, and does without me even being aware. I'm a part of this as well. I need to stop asking and start giving. Read my bible, not out of routine, but out of awe of the sweet words my Love has prepared for me. Small group, not to just meet people and have something to do on any given night, but because I want to remain in fellowship and grow in my Love for You. Praying. Stop looking at it as a speech. Just talk to Him. He is listening. He can understand exactly what you're saying no matter how you choose to articulate it. Fall in Love again.

While I could sit here all day and say thing I could and should be doing, I'm going to stop and actually do what I've spent an entire essay trying to convey. Change is good. Difference is good. Do it for the right reasons. Think about what means the most to you and pursue it. Life is short, you only live once. YOLO the junk out of life. Take the path you've been given stop walking, run. Run until you can't run anymore, let Him pick you back up and keep running. I believe in you. He believes in you. It's time for you to believe in you.

Go.

Letting the Son Shine

Summertime.

Quite possibly the best ten letter word known to man.
This summer in particular is a very special one to me. I'm going through a huge life and heart change. The sun signifies to me that although darkness and rainfall take coverage of the place I live that the light will always prevail.

Ending my first semester at the school of my dreams leaves me with mixed emotions. I never had to deal with the amount of stress and childlike drama in high school like I have during these last four months. I've let boys, friends, dramatics, and distraction take my focus off of the two reasons I came to Northwest which were God and my education.

I could feel myself being so unmotivated for anything prosperous in my life. I've just sort of  

been.

Don't get me wrong, I've had tons of fun. I've met some friends I hope to keep the rest of my life. Not all of this experience has been discouraging, which I feel blessed for. If God has taught me one thing through all of this is that I really do need to make Him the center for my life and decisions. I'm taken back to when I was in Australia and while everything around me was falling apart, the fact that I was right with Jesus and focused fully on Him, nothing could touch me. No amount of rain could ruin my parade. He was all that I needed and I was  overwhelmed with happiness.

While I will enjoy my summer to its absolute fullest and make some incredible memories, it means something different this year. It's a time where I will let my sun be the Son and will let my words be the Word. I need to make some radical changes. I'm done being complacent with how my life is. Today is the day the Lord has made and I plan on rejoicing and being glad in it. I will no longer worry what others think. I will no longer be okay with less than God has for me. I refuse to not live to my full potential and put everything I have into the plans set forth for me.

In a way I feel reborn. I've already been reborn through Christ, but this is something different. I've been given a new heart and mind. My soul is already brand new through the love and blood of my Savior, but now it's up to me to let that love and knowledge flow to other vital parts of my life. I pray for the wisdom and understanding to help my brain guide me to decisions that are smart and productive. I pray that my heart can harness love and grace like never before. I already have the teacher, I just need to stop and listen to Him.

The answers aren't in the back of the book this time. I need to stop looking for the quick fix, the cheat sheet, or wait for others to give me the answers. I need to step back and pause. Open up the Word of God. Be enveloped into a world that isn't my own. I need to realize that the answers to life will not be force fed to me, doors won't just open, life doesn't work that way. Desiring a relationship, a true, meaningful, loving relationship with my Creator is all I need. Knowing Him is knowing the world. I know that He has not forgotten me, so how could I let myself forget Him. He has all the answers because he is the answer.

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

Reign Down On Me

Besides the Starbucks at every corner, Space Needle, and

Pike's Place, Seattle is known for one thing:

rain.

 Rain used to be one of my favorite things. I love the smell of it as it hits the dirt. I love the feel of it just pouring down. I love the sound of it hit tin rooftops.Paints a pretty picture, right...wrong.Wrong when you see far more of it than you were ever hoping to in a 

lifetime. 

In the last few days Mother Nature has been extremely emotional. It's sunny, it's raining, it's hailing, it's raining, it's sleeting, it's raining. It has been extremely frustrating to me after coming home from a week of sun, tanning, and uninterrupted bliss. I've tried to maintain a positive, normal-like, energetic mood as best as I can, however the weather seems to have gotten everyone in a cloudy mood. That was until...today.

I started the morning bright and early at 7:30 am. I immediately fell back asleep. Who gets up that early on purpose? I then woke up around 9:15 after my first class had already begun. I took a shower, blow-dried, and straightened my hair(extremely rare occurrence since I've been here), attempted at waking up my oh so cranky best friend for Chapel, and ultimately ended up going without her. Another friend had met me in my room to head up to Chapel. We looked outside at the extreme downpour we were about to walk into and I thought to myself, "Uhm, I just straightened my hair. I am NOT ruining this. No way." So, what's the normal thing to do? Take my backpack off and put it over my hair. Then it happened. Being me, I thought it was a clever idea to put my phone and camera in the very front pocket of my backpack so that when I lifted it above my head they both would come crashing down, shattering my smart phone. Clearly wasn't as smart as it appeared to be.

A few minutes later we find out Chapel is canceled and I feel even more frustrated that this happened...and for what? Absolutely nothing. I continued to have the same, angry mentality throughout the rest of the day. In my Christian Thought class, which I'll admit I was half-listening to, I heard one thing extremely clear. "The Holy Spirit will make it apparent that it's there. When it reveals itself, you will know." As I walked down from class, still in the rain, I noticed something. I saw rain all around me, in front, behind, on both sides...yet I didnt feel

one

single

drop.

Now this might just sound weird to you, but I truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. What? You didn't feel rain on you so clearly it was the inclusion of the Holy Spirit. It was. As I kept walking I thought maybe I just wasn't feeling it because my clothes were shielding me from the dampness. Then I got inside and realized I was completely dry. I knew what I was feeling, however, feeling only accounts for so much. I sat down and dove a little bit deeper into what God's point was in all of this and then it came to me. 

Life is full of rainstorms. The things of this world cloud our judgment and it's voice is a thundering roar. However, we have an umbrella of hope that will protect us through any storm. God protects us in our darkest, coldest, most frustrating times and continues to be that ray of sunshine we need to light our way back to comfort and warmth.

It was so easy for me this Spring Break when I was outside of the real world and everything seemed to be going right. I had so much on my mind leading up to that trip. I had a sense of guilt about almost everything. I had an extremely confusing boy situation that tore me up inside at the thought of hurting or being hurt and while I still don't know how they feel about it, I was at peace that clarification was being revealed. I had been praying for so long for a friendship that I value more than almost any other to be mended back together. The thought of being so disconnected from someone I value, respect, and admire so much and the possibility of them just not caring, killed me inside. Over the course of that trip and the few days since, it happened. That friendship has been restored and I pray that it continues to stay how it is, if not get better. So many good things had been happening while I was away and as soon as I got home I let the world enter back into my heart. I let it pour on me in all the things I was hoping to be rid of.

My prayer from here forward is that God will reign over any rain that may try to wash away the plans He has for me. Remembering that lightening never strikes twice and that everyday is a new one to electrify the Kingdom of God. That I may have to walk through a few puddles but under His grace I will never get caught in a flood. I'm so blessed to be alive. I pray I get the privilege to continue to wake up every morning and see the Son shining through my window.

Light of the world, forever reign.

Water Turned Into Wine

Miracles. 

They happen everyday. I always envisioned a miracle looking something like being able to walk on water, turning a couple loaves of bread into a feast for everyone and their brother, or making blind men see. The reality is that a miracle is simply something that you can't do on your own.

mir·a·cle

           [mir-uh-kuhl] 

noun

1.

an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

The most common miracle I've seen in my life would definitely be water turning into wine. Taking something common and normal and totally bringing the party to it. Jesus wants us to raise our red solo cups filled with the blessings he continues to serve us. A shot of love, chased down with a strong passion for us. It's some strong stuff. He wants us to be drunk. Being drunk gives you an alternate sense of reality. It takes you to a place that is not your normal realm of thoughts and ideas. I want to get totally crunk off the love of Jesus. I want to see HIS alternate reality, ideals, and plans for me. 

Since I've arrived at Northwest University I've been on a whirlwind of emotions and adventures. I've met people I hope to know for the rest of my life. I am finding myself getting more and more in love with my Creator. I can't help but be excited for the rest of my life. Everyday is a miracle. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. REJOICE in today!

Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! 

The Stand.

It's been quite the week. So much has happened. The majority of it took place in my mind. I've felt such

joy

terror

 annoyance

sadness

weakness

but most of all, love.

 

The years, months, and days leading up to this journey have been played up in my head to create this imagery of perfection and pure happiness. I didn't take into account how reality might play out. I didn't think about the actuality of how I would react to such a new environment, financial confusion, lonliness, and fear of the unknown. I would tell myself, "Hannah, your faith will guide you through this. There is nothing to worry about." While this is true, we were made with these things called feelings and fears. 

My lovelies. Kenzie and Jordy :)

I found out a week before I left that I had not been placed with a new roommate, since the falling through of my original one. As I finally arrived at what had become my personal Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth that I could imagine, it hit me. I was really here. This was reality now. As I was filling out a housing form I saw a girl and her mom sitting on the couch next to me, also filling theirs out. I looked up a few times and thought, my word that girl is pretty...and...I really need to go shopping. She looked like so much fun and oh so classy! We then looked at our forms and both noticed something quite pecuiliar...our room numbers seemed to be a perfect match. Are you kidding me? YES! SCORE! I was absolutely delighted. Definitely a "Praise the Lord" moment. 

My incredible new friends! Lalo,Kenzie,Gilbert,Jordy. Love them!

While lots of people would rejoice in the fact of having no roommate, I detested the idea. I prayed so much that they would find me a placement. Needless to say, we were both excited and immediately hit it off. For the last week or so we have been absolutely inseparable. She is one of those people that completely captures the room even before she walks in. At times I felt in her shadow and really believed that I was going to be stuck there all semester. Once I realized that it as my insecurity and not her fault I was able to have peace and start becoming myself again. I've made tons of new friends! I'm sure they aren't quite sure whether to think I'm funny or crazy. It's a question I ask myself everyday. I love who I've been created to be because I've learned to trust my Creator.

This has definitely been the most insecure week of my life. I've felt emotions I didn't know I had.  While at first I viewed this insecurity as a bad thing it led me to something, someONE who is always there for me. Jesus has been blowing my mind this week. Every Monday night there is an hour long worship session called Pursuit and it is something I have been unknowingly searching for. You can worship anywhere, however, my love language is quality time. Quality time with Jesus and people loving Jesus is one of the coolest feelings imaginable. I also was put outside my comfort zone. God was persistent on one thing that night, he kept saying "SPEAK TO ME. SHOUT OUT TO ME". I thought to myself, I am! "NO! Talk to me! Let me hear your voice!" I have issues praying aloud. I tend to proofread my prayer as I'm saying it and it becomes more about the delievery, rather than truly speaking to Jesus.

In that moment I opened my mouth and I talked. I spoke to Him. I told Him my heart. I told Him I loved Him. I thanked Him for the friends new and old that I've been blessed with. I prayed to be challenged this semester and beyond. 

I've been at one church for 7 1/2 years. It's all I've known. I haven't ventured out and challenged myself. I haven't let myself out of fear of not being able to handle it. I felt like I couldn't do this whole "Jesus thing" like those people I looked up to. Jesus isn't cookie cutter. He can't be put into a syllabus. I pray everyday and would appreciate if you prayed that Jesus would consume my life this semester. Pray for challenge. Pray for growth. 

I will stand every day.

Arms high and heart abandoned

in AWE of the one who gave it all.

Stand up and be the Jesus people can see. Lift your arms up as to let Him pick you up and feel the embrace of His endless and unfailing love. Let your heart be abandoned to let Him occupy it. Stand in awe as you recall the most beautiful thing anyone has and will ever do for you. Remember that you were made for a purpose. A purpose so unimaginable and beautiful that Death will never be able to hold you down.

You are loved.

Your Love Is a Song

Oh Your love is a symphony.

I love the way your heart beats in unison with mine. Your voice is a melody to soothe me. I can hear the tone of your strength and the vibrato of your peace that lives within me. You're my favorite song. I keep you on repeat all day, never in silence. When the worries of the world feel like too much to handle I just turn your volume up. You are music to my ears and the root of my being. Thank you for listening to me. But thank you even more for letting me listen to you.

That Awkward Moment.

You know those awkward moments we all go through. Oh wait, I believe the word is life. 

Life is full of awkwardness. We don't know what we're doing or why we're doing it most of the time. In the moment everything usually makes sense. It's not until we reflect back and realize how the situation, in reality, panned out and what we could have done differently.

Time machines do not exist and we can't take back something once we've entered it into the the world. I just lost my best friend due to both of us having issues. I realize, looking back, that I should have not said things that I said. I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. Most of all I realize the damage is done and only time and a change of heart can mend what's been broken. Although sad, I am extremely content with where my life is right now.

It also helped me realize that I have a problem. I believe it's called word vomit. I tend to spew out things I wish I never said. I don't hear what comes out of my mouth or my keyboard for that matter sometimes. I have spent a lot of my time in life alone. At times I love it. However it has taken me to a place that I really need to work on. I tend to overthink when I'm alone. I daydream. I Facebook... I read too much into things. Oh he messaged me on Facebook. Wow...he's cute. At the rate this is going we're probably going to get married. I go from 0 to 60 in five seconds. I then tell all my closest friends everything I'm feeling...in extreme detail might I add. Like I said, I have word vomit. I can't help what I'm saying, it just comes out. 

It gets really bad once I finally am interacting with real life human beings. I can hear my conscience telling me to shut my mouth and calm down, but my spastic brain is too busy thinking to listen. I've become so accustomed to being alone that when I finally get with people I have to release all that's been happening in my head. It's become more of a personality trait than I would like. I'm praying in this transition into my whole NU world can slowly cure me of word vomit. This sickness enables me to say things I probably shouldn't say. I sincerely hope that I'm able to truly start over in this new chapter of my life.

Although I know people at my new school, at times I wish I didn't. At times I wish I could truly start over. A clean slate. A place where nobody knows me. A place where nobody has pre-concieved notions of me. I don't know what is going on in anyone's minds and at times it can get extremely frustrating. Word vomit and social awkwardness is no longer in my future. Some things are just better left unsaid.

Don't just be another awkward moment.

Silence Is Deadly.

The power of a secret could be the deciding factor between life or death. 

What is the purpose of a secret? Why do we hold things in so much? Why is it so hard for us to be honest with each other? Everyone has a secret so why is it such a big deal? Everyone does what everyone else is doing anyway.

You may have heard of the brilliant idea by a man named Frank Warren called PostSecret. It is an outlet to those who have nowhere else to go with these things they bottle in. How it works is you write down your secret in any way you'd like to and mail it to the address they provide for you. I was just reading some of them and while some are funny, others are sexual, haunting, beautiful, and some extremely intense. It made me think how many thousands and thousands of secrets are being kept even by my friends. No matter what anyone will tell you at face value, everyone has something they would rather keep locked inside.

The reasons for this could be endless. They are scared people will judge them. They are scared people might not treat them the same. They are scared they can lose their job, their family, friends, even God. In the last years I have lost count of the amount of suicides I've heard of. It's heartbreaking to know that those people didn't have someone to reach out to because they were too frightened. What was scaring them to the point of death? Was it that they were getting picked on at school? Maybe they were addicted to painkillers and they didn't know the next step. Maybe it was stress from school, parents, standard of perfection, lack of love.

Why can't we be honest and transparent about what we have/are going through? Why is it so hard to love each other through the good and the bad? Who will be your friends through it all? It's quite interesting. I've told a few people the things I've been through, or at least pieces. I refuse to sit here and lie to myself and the world.

How can anyone know how far we've come until they've seen where we've been?

So here I am. On the internet. About to tell you my secrets. I have no idea who reads this, cares about this, or will find me offensive or think of me differently after this. I refuse to let myself cower away from the truth.The only person I should have to worry about judging me is God and I know fully that is not how He does things. He keeps no record of wrongs so why should anyone else. Well here it goes...

One time I finished a homework assignment 3 weeks after it was due and put it under the teacher's desk like he accidentally dropped it......I got an A on that assignment.

Since I started working at Taco Bell it's all that I eat.

I peed my bed and my pants off and on until 5th grade.

I have been drunk one time in my life...and I threw up on someone.

I've stolen something from a store.

Sometimes I can't stand the fact that I can't see God

I know so many people yet I always feel so alone.

 At one point in my life I believed I was in love with one of my guy friends.

I have told myself that the reason I've never had a boyfriend isn't because I am not pretty, funny, smart, worth it, or because I talk too much....but because I've made myself become one of the 'bros'. And at times I really wonder if there is anyone out there for me.

I'm going to a Christian school and I'm scared of not fitting in.

I'm nervous about being judged for my tattoo

 and that those who attend won't show

the same Grace as

they preach

about.

I feel like the "last resort" friend. The friend that people remember when they've run out of options.

When I was five years old I was molested. I never told anyone.
I thought for the longest time that it was a

dream and that I was making it up.
I didn't understand what it meant or that it was wrong.
As I've grown up, I've felt like I have grown stronger because of it

so I didn't feel the need for it to be made a big deal.

 In the last few months I went to Australia, fell apart there, gained my faith back in abundance,
moved in with my best friend, lost her and my Godson due to something ridiculous,
got accepted to the school of my dreams, lost friends, and sometimes don't know
why I've had to go through so much bad. That I've been focusing so
much on God that I feel like He should bless me, like I
somehow deserve it.

I really thought my [ex]best friend and I would be best friends forever.

MY biggest fear is dying before getting married and having children.

I feel that God has called me into the field of youth ministries

and I am on the path towards becoming a youth pastor

but I feel like so many people are judging

me. I don't think some people take

my relationship with God seriously

or my ambitions.Sometimes I am

even doubting if I'll be able 

to Carry the Call. It 

scares me so much.

It makes me sad that I give so much love to people and all they can focus

on is the bad or weird in me.

I'm one of the easiest people to make fun of and 

while it really doesn't affect me most of

the time, I wish people would

treat me nicer.

ometimes I get really jealous that other girls can put together an outfit with their eyes closed and I take so much time trying to get ready in the morning and they still look perfect.

I get nervous praying out loud because I feel like

I'm critiquing what I say and thinking

too much about it rather than 

Letting Go

and

Letting God.

These are just some of the things I have had bottled inside of me. I urge you to tell someone your secrets. Feel free to share yours with me anonymously or publicly. Check out the postsecret online. Don't be so afraid of what people will think of you.  Jesus was ridiculed throughout His life and He felt peace with it and still loved all those who beat and bruised Him, physically and emotionally. I don't assume that everyone reading this will be okay with any of the above. Some might laugh, others concerned, others cry. I don't have a clue. I just refuse to be the girl who was too scared to share that I had to take my life to prove to people that I am someone worth loving and worth knowing. This isn't me being WEAK. This is me being strong enough to understand how beautiful life is. Please never feel like you aren't worth it. You were worth the ultimate sacrifice. He died so you would live. Never take that for granted. I might not know you but I love you. I've never seen you, yet I feel for you. Encourage each other. Love you all.

A Life Worth Living

Where has the time gone? 

Life is the most interesting thing I've ever been a part of. Life can be viewed as sort of a relationship. At times we love it, hate it, savor it, ruin it, want to have it forever, and sometimes wish it never existed. It's so hard trying to convince yourself how truly blessed we all are to even be living. Life is precious and we are so undeserving of it.

In the last year and a half I've been through some of the best and worst times of all my 19 years on Earth. I've been tempted and as a result gave into that temptation. I've gained some amazing new people in my life as well as losing some I never pictured not being there. I've struggled with my faith and  have come to know God on a level I never dreamed possible. I went on an adventure of a lifetime gone bad and then got accepted to the school of my dreams. I've realized so much about myself and pray continuously that I will grow in all areas over the course of this next year.

A new school, new friends, current friends, new city, NU beginnings. Life means everything to me. I know I was given a special gift and I should really send a Thank You card to God. Life without purpose is no life at all. Why are we on Earth? What's the point. I wish I could know the plans He has for me. But that's for Him to know and me to find out I suppose. Why are certain people in my life? Who are my real friends? What shenanigans will I get myself into next? I'm so privileged to not know what my future holds. If I knew exactly how the rest of my life would pan out, what's the point in living. It's like watching a movie and that jerk friend telling you the best parts.

I urge everyone to live for right now. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. Take advantage of what you've been given today. Far too many people have left this Earth in recent times. I vow to never let someone know how much they meant to my life via their deceased Facebook page. While I think it's beautiful that people come together to honor a person who was such a light in their lives, I wonder. I wonder why they didn't know those things before they were gone. I wonder if Heaven has Facebook. Could you imagine what Jesus's relationship status must look like?

"Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it".-Psalm 118:24

Understand that nobody is promised to make it until morning. Always remind those you love that you do in fact love them. Stop holding back from the blessings you've been presented with. We have one life to live here, make it worth it. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worth dying for, so make your life worth living for.

All you need is Love.

What is love? Well if you know anything about me, you'd know I'd say that my definition of love is Jesus.

With that said, the Lover of my soul is okay with sharing me. At some point in this thing called life, I believe there is someone that was destined at the beginning of time especially made for me. Together for the rest of our lives and eternity, God willing. He might not be 6'3", tan as "The Situation", and stand outside my window singing me love songs; He is, however, the most important man in my life second to Jesus.

Dating. Why do we do it?


To get experience

                           Be in Love

                                              Get prepared and ready so when we find who we're supposed to spend forever with....

                                    we'll...know.




It's been a very interesting 19 years I've spent on this earth. I've had fun. I've been through Hell and it reminded me that Heaven is the right place for me. I guess you could say I've had a couple...flings. A two week relationship at 15. A 3 month I'mnotevensurewhatocallit at 17. The only thing I left those with we're funny stories. Did I get my heart broken? Absolutely not. Did I hold onto my purity because I knew those boys weren't worth my innocence. Yes. Dating seems so trivial to me in high school and if not emotionally mature, at any time in our lives. What's the point of dating?

"You get to know somebody." Wait...you don't know who you're dating? Not saying you need to know every detail of their lives. Wait. You just met him a month ago and you just want to "get to know him." Why? "To know what you want in future relationships." Oh okay, so you're planning on ending this. Very nice. I'm sure he/she will feel great when they realize they were just an experiment. Just a stepping stone to who they are really supposed to be with. This one is my favorite. "To get experience." What kind of experience? Physical experience? "Well...what if I don't know how to kiss?" "Be a good partner" "....have...s...e...x..." Well sweetie, I'm pretty sure you'll figure it out one way or another.

Why do we let ourselves break each other's heart. More often than not, we know our relationship is going to end. Your 16. Are you really going to stay together forever? Probably not. Sure you will learn something from this relationship. You'll learn that you just wasted your time and their time on a journey to a place you knew you'd end up at all along. The end.

Girls are a rare and interesting breed. We already have our cake, bridesmaids, flower arrangement, colors, veil, first dance song, and vows picked out...all we're waiting for is the groom. We try to find him in every guy we see. I'll be the first to admit I've seen a guy I've never seen before and will probably never see again pass me on the sidewalk and instantly see the rest of our lives together. "Wow we would make some pretty attractive babies." "He would go perfect with my dress..." I don't know why we do it, but that's a woman for you. Thinking 12 steps ahead

When people ask me about why I haven't dated or don't date it makes me laugh. Don't get me wrong on my crazy lady date rant you just read. I'm not against dating. In high school I didnt date. Why? Not because I'm some weird prude feminist who doesn't need a man to complete her[even though I dont]. I didn't date mostly  because I never really was put in the position to date.Sure I liked boys...a lot, but it just never was in the cards for me.Nobody asked me out. I barely got asked to prom my senior year. Did I feel set apart from everyone else at school because of this...you bet. But want to know the best part about being on the outside? You have the front row seat to "the inside". I watched friends and classmates dissipate in their relational turmoil. Wait...he cheated on her? They did WHAT? He broke my heart. She's such a slut.

Looking back at it all. Did I really need to be included in all of that? Definitely not. Did I really need to have sex with him, just to realize what I already knew. Did I need to find my security in a boy holding me and telling me he loved me then turning around and taking it back? Did I need emotional baggage? That would be a big no-no. While everyone else was busy trying to captivate the heart of the quarterback, my focus was set on giving my heart and soul to the Creator of the universe.

I'm  n i n e t e e n years old and I still don't know if I'm ready to enter the world of "dating". I'm not looking to date for a boyfriend. I'm dating for a husband. I know some guys will see this and say "woah there little lady, ahead of yourself much?" Nah. Because that boy who grew up and became a man. A man worthy of what my Savior created me to find will understand and God's hands will hold us together forever. Guarding my heart was a promise I not only made to myself and to God, but to my husband in question. I want Him to not be the product of failed relationships because I was so insecure that I just N E E D E D someone to tell me I was worth what Jesus already died for me to prove.

Take a good look at your relationship right now or ones you plan to have in the future. Can you look at them and say..."I can see myself marrying you". Really think about it. Don't let the person you are supposed to end up with carry all the baggage you emotionally bring in from past relationships. It's not fair to them or to you. You're worth more than that. You're worth dying for. So until you can find someone you can see spend the rest of your life with and is worth YOU dying for, maybe you need to reconsider your options.

Here Comes The Son.

My whole world was changed when I realized I had to give my life for the One I loved because He gave His life for the one He loved.

Light up the sky and show me you are with me.

If you read my blogs, I'm sure by now you realize that my relationship with my best friend and Savior is without a doubt the most important one for now and all of eternity. I plan on dedicating my life to showing His love. Whether that be screaming it loud for everyone to hear or simply being a friend to someone. This blog doesn't give me enough characters in the universe to explain my deep love for the Redeemer of my soul.

I'm not one of those believers who will try to convince you of what I believe in because I don't think you can force anyone to love something if they don't want to. My job on this Earth is to be a friend to anyone and everyone that gives me the chance. If by chance I'm asked what is the cause for my happiness and drive in life, I'll gladly tell them of the beautiful human who loved me enough to die for me.

So much is going on in my world right now. I have to physically remind myself that it will get better and that I don't need to worry. I have my support with me at all times and that worrying is just a down payment on something bad that hasn't happened yet. I wish I could just pour out everything going on right now, in depth, and out for everyone to hear, but I just can't do that at this point in my life.

I have a testimony. A path that I traveled on my road to Jesus. Keeping it all inside me, just God and I knowing, I thought was enough for me. Why is it anyone's business about my past, my tribulations, my pain, and my walk in faith. I don't think I ever felt the need to tell anyone because nobody ever asked. Until extremely recently. I hope to find another person that I am able to open up to and release all those feelings within my soul.Until I said it out loud for another human being to hear, I never really realized just how beautiful of a God I have to get me through all those things.We weren't meant to keep everything within us. I still need to get to that point of being able to share it again, but I know that I will never forget that night. I feel so blessed that I was able to share something as precious as my testimony with another person. It really is an extremely liberating experience for anyone who gets the chance to do it.

My family for the last 7 years.

Something I never saw coming has been placed on my heart rather recently. Ever since I could talk I knew I wanted to be a teacher. The idea of helping the next generation learn lessons and understand life was exactly what I've always wanted to do. Towards the end of high school I knew I still wanted to have that impact, but in a different way. I love performing. I don't know if I'm very good at it, but I sure love it. I wanted to be able to do what I loved while still giving that influence I had hoped for all the years before. In the last week, what I believe Jesus planned for me before the beginning of time, has been laid upon my heart.

As I glanced through the pages of the Northwest University catalog at my intended major of: Communications with a concentration in media studies and drama, wasn't what I felt was the right thing to leap into. I still love that part of my life. I want to incoporate that somehow, but I know that is definitely not what God intended for my life. After searching through all the other majors, one stuck out like a sore thumb to me: Youth Ministries. I have talked here and there with friends about how I would love somehow to be involved with youth ministries for the rest of my life, but nothing like this. After looking at the classes I would be taking and praying and thinking about it I realized that it is exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life...well at least until another curveball gets thrown my way! I get to be around people my age[right now], show them God loves them in a fun and exciting way they can understand, and absolutely love my job. The title of "Youth Pastor" still scares me.

Thank you Adam for being an amazing man of God.

Can I do it? Am I cut out for it? Can I really picture myself doing what Rick, Peter, and Adam have done for me over the last 7 years. Will my tattoo hinder me from this? Is this REALLY what Jesus wants for me? I feel like if it is meant to be, it's meant to be and I should stop worrying so much about all the little things. I'm so excited to see what school and this decision have in store for me. I feel like it will be a challenge, but I am SO ready.

Ending this now, because I could definitely go on forever, I just want to say a few things. From here on out I want to publicly express that I will do my best to be more of a person I would want to be around. I know in the past that things that I say and do put ideas of a person I know that I'm not in people's minds. I've been dealing this very magnified in the last few months and I don't want to be that person. If you have those thoughts of me in your head, please let me start new and be the person I was created to be, not the person I created in myself. Finally I ask for your prayer. With all that is going on right now I really need a few things: Jesus, friends, prayer, and support. I know there is absolutely no way I can handle all that I'm going through by myself.

Please Jesus, take on what I cant. Savior of my soul. My best friend. My eternity. Father.

Hold my hand and never let me go. I love you with my heart,soul, and mind.

You are, the universe. You are, everyone on earth.

All I need is You.

In your name I pray, amen.

Rain Rain Go Away.

This world is an extremely dark place. 

In constant overcast from the series of storms consuming our lives.

 A whole new world is traded when what is most important is not at the center.

It is 12:56am on Sunday September 11,2011. Ten years ago and six hours from now I was in a living room eating cOOOOOOOkie crisp and not watching Bob the Builder with the neighbor kids before just another day of 4th grade. There was seriously something wrong. What could be more important than Bob the Builder. Why was the news on? Wait...what. Something big just happened? Excuse me. My 9th birthday is in four days. This totally ruined my big day. Cool.

The biggest storm of our nation in recent times and people still can't seem to get the mud out of their clothes. The downpour outside just won't stop. It's gotten better, but continues to fall, drop by drop. For some of us, our loved ones were swept away by this terrible monsoon, while the rest of us sat in our homes and watched the weather channel showing the damage this storm had done to our beloved nation. And for some of us, we're still waiting for those people to come inside and get dry.


We all have so many storms that we go through. Some drench us to our core, creating crazy floods and intense winds. They seem like they'll never stop. We try to get through them by ourselves. We often forget that there is an umbrella. An umbrella to protect us when we need it most. The storm will pass in time but it's so much easier carrying that umbrella. It's there to help us through the storm. To protect us. To shelter us from the downpour and the ugly overcast going on outside our protective shell.

 When we realize we aren't waterproof and asking for help through this crazy and upsetting turmoil in our lives, we will not only get through the storm, but exit dry and beaming with the sunlight we had been kept from. Jesus is,was, and always will be your umbrella. The storm itself is unevitable, but how you choose to endure that storm is your decision.

In the storm, He reigns.

Matthew 8:23-27

Going Going Gone.

It's official. I am no longer a piece of Australian history. Not that I did anything history worthy for the country of Australia, but I sometimes liked to think so. I know the entire 40 day experience changed my whole world into something beautiful and new. I've never been as happy as I currently am. Well, lie. Currently I am sitting in the Salt Lake City International Airport awaiting the end of this crazy long journey. I'm not too stoked about life at the moment as I feel like I'm dying rather fastl, due to lack of sleep. I'll survive. I will survive. But really, I'm so incredibly happy. Not the kind of happy that makes the ends of your mouth turn up, but the kind that makes your heart feel. The kind of happiness you just cant describe to anyone else. You'd think after this entire ordeal my spirits would be crushed.

FALSE.

After all, I spent my whole life wanting to go, get out, make something of myself, do something wild and wonderful. The fact that I came home didn't ruin all those things I wanted. It in fact made all those immensely stronger. I wanted to go---I went. I wanted to get out---I did. I wanted to make something of myself---I feel as if I was reborn again. I wanted to do something wild and wonderful---if that's not exactly what this was, I'm so lost in my view of beauty.  I will never forget my 40 days laying on the beach, going through more emotions than I thought I had in me, realizing how much my loved ones meant to me, have a better understanding of my future and most importantly renewing my vows with the love of my life. It was a wake up call to so many things I just didn't care about. Being a nicer, optimistic, full of life type person. Something sick an twisted  inside of me keeps telling me to...work...out...two words I never thought I'd hear myself say. You know  something big had to happen.This was definitely the most excitingly crazy intense test of faith I've ever  had. I didn't even get to study.

Pop quiz on life. I'm pretty sure I passed. 

My Date with God

A whole new world openenes up when I met You.

So, I've been in this long term relationship for about seven years now. We've had our ups and downs, but when it comes down to it, we love each other to eternity and beyond. I finally found the One Man who could finish my thoughts before I could even think them, tell me I'm beautiful without saying a word, and make me fall in Love harder than I ever thought I could. Yesterday...we went on our very first date.

Sure, we have been in a relationship for quite some time, but never formally have we been on a date. Maybe that's why our relationship had those rocky times. We never took out specific times to reconnect, just the two of us. Alright, back to the good stuff. So it was yesterday, September 1, 2011. It was a beautiful, scorching winter day in the land of Joeys and old men in speedos( Thank God my man doesn't wear those). I had just got the best tan of my life. This day couldn't get any better, right? Wrong.

At that moment I was quite charmingly asked to spend some alone time with my Love. Of course I said yes. It was out first official date! This was so exciting! I went in the house, put my makeup on, hair up, got in my best clothes (j.biebs jacket) and we went to the park. He told me I was beautiful. He already knows how I feel about Him but I wanted to tell Him over and over again anyways. Oh oh oh, want to know more about Him?

Well not to brag or anything, BUT He is a Best Selling Author. I know right? Pretty impressive! He dances with me in the Storm and kisses me in the rain. He tells me everything will be okay no matter how I feel in that moment. He's a planner, always trying to tell me His plan and quite honestly, sometimes I just don't want to listen. He is pretty smart though. He can create everything out of nothing. It's quite miraculous. When I ask Him to be with me, He just is. I don't have to force him or try to earn His love.

He's a doctor. He heals those who need Him most. He loves my singing voice. I sing to Him often. I actually sang to Him on our date...out loud! If he didn't care who heard, why should I? It was about Him and I in that moment and I didn't care who heard. He has the best taste in music. I'm pretty sure Hillsong is our favorite :). He is the best advice giver and always knows the right things to say. He shows me that purity is the healthiest for my heart and constantly reminds me to guard it. He loves my tattoos. I know they say don't get tattoos for people you're in relationship with, but this is an exception!

He forgives me. He knows I mess up, but He loves me unconditionally anyways. There is nothing I have ever done, am doing , or will do that will make Him love me less. Oh! He also is a dad. He has tons of children! That's okay, it might take some patience on my end to love all of them as much as He does, but I'm working on it. He lets me see the beauty in life, even when it seems so ugly. He teaches me to love and not pass judgment. He gives me gifts. So many! The most precious gift He could ever give me was the gift of Grace. I knew then, just how much He really loved me. I know I don't have to be afraid of the darkness anymore because He will always carry the light to show me the way.

So, as we sat on that bench; we read, we sang, we walked, we talked, we just loved. On the playground in front of us I noticed there was graffitti all over it. It broke my heart and showed me just how much darkness there is in this world. Then I looked up and saw the most beautiful display of clouds painted across the sky. "ITS SO FLUFFFFFY". He has a sense of humor too. Thank God for that. I wish I could just share Him with the whole world. Lots of people just don't understand Him or want to understand Him.

I guess that makes sense. You can't really know someone unless you really invest your time into them. He can be intimidating, trust me I know. I never know if I say the right things to Him, live the way He thinks I should, or do what I know He wants me to do. But through all those technicalities there is love.

He is Love.

Mo' Money Mo' Problems.

I'm starting to realize this whole new world doesn't come at a wholesale price.

I'm so excited for the future right now. I have 15 days left Down Unda and I'm so anxiously awaiting home. The weather here is awful. I don't want to lay on the beach while it feels like I'm taking a shower as the rain attacks my face. What else is there to do when you're broke, jobless, and it's raining in Australia?

Think about how much debt school will bring you.

Well, thanks ladies. :).
You're a little early, but that's okay!

Oh, maybe that's just me? So as absolutely excited I am to attend the school of my dreams in 154 days[who's counting?] I can't help but think about finances. Choosing a $30,000 a year school I couldn't possibly think that it would come easy. Loans, scholarships, grants, kind donations from my loved ones...(that means you). As I've talked to my advisor he ensures me we will get this all figured out. He will help me the best he can. I have almost all the information he needs from me. Soon enough I will be choosing classes, looking at dorms, and before I know it I will be in a beautiful little town just outside the city lights of Seattle, Washington.

As stressed as I think I am, another part of me knows that I will be taken care of. If there is anything this new whirlwind adventure has taught me, it's that with faith, anything is possible. Sure things didn't work out here.Sure I gave up everything I had. Sure I was so distraught with the thought of having to come home because there was simply no other options. Sure I couldn't even imagine what my friend's faces and reactions would look like. I felt like a failure. But then I remembered I had the best therapist the world has ever known. Jesus. Amen.HOLLA....lujah. :). I've also started a little vlog on youtube if any of my readers are interested in joining in/subscribing/ giving some feedback. I think it could be a really good thing for a lot of people who might love Jesus but the idea of "church" just is not for them as well as anyone interested ;).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcvFvyaBZh4
(youtube URL for my channel)

I'll wait out the next 15 days. Come home.Get some jobs under my belt. Make mo' money. Apply my butt off for loans and scholarships and receive your lovely donations made out to the Hannah Going To College fund. I'm not worried. The rest of my life is just out of reach. 

154,153,152...

A Whole New Beginning

Turns out my whole new world was returning to my old one.


If you follow this blog or are my friend on Facebook you probably think I'm crazy at this point. I wouldn't blame you. "So let me get this straight...you left everything on a leap of faith only to quit your job, be broke, and come back after barely a month?" Yup.

Australia isn't where I belong, at least not right now. In the short amount of time I've been here I've experienced so much. I don't mean I experienced the outback, Sydney Harbor, or kangaroos. What I mean is that I've gone through so many emotions and confusion and frustration than I could ever imagine. This was "just a test". I watched a podcast last night with my friends here about worry and learning to be calm through the storm because it is only "just a test". This isn't the end of the world, God doesn't have something against me, this is a test of my faith. In this crazy time would I choose to worry and let my circumstance overcome me or would I let my faith overcome my circumstance.




Faith prevails over all else. God always has my back no matter what. I suppose you were wondering what comes next. Well you see this morning I had two options, as a matter of fact I had many options, none of them being coming home. I didn't want to come home, not yet. I wasn't starting Northwest University until next FALL, why would I come home to nothing when I could go somewhere else and still have my adventure before I set off to school next year? It just made no sense to me. Then God came through again. I got in touch with my advisor at NU and he informed me that I would be able to attend in the Spring of 2012 if everything went well.

My world
This changed everything. I now had 3 1/2 months before my dream came true instead of a whole year. It's my time to come home. Will I be back to Australia? Absolutely. I know that this is what I'm meant to do. I have the support of my best friend when I return as she has opened up her home to me until I can figure something else out. I have complete happiness and no regrets as I leave to journey once again to the other side of the world. I will be home September 12,2011. PERFECT. Three days before my birthday, which I'll get to spend with my favorite people in the world. 

Our dreams are completely overrated. God's plan is underestimated.