Letting the Son Shine

Summertime.

Quite possibly the best ten letter word known to man.
This summer in particular is a very special one to me. I'm going through a huge life and heart change. The sun signifies to me that although darkness and rainfall take coverage of the place I live that the light will always prevail.

Ending my first semester at the school of my dreams leaves me with mixed emotions. I never had to deal with the amount of stress and childlike drama in high school like I have during these last four months. I've let boys, friends, dramatics, and distraction take my focus off of the two reasons I came to Northwest which were God and my education.

I could feel myself being so unmotivated for anything prosperous in my life. I've just sort of  

been.

Don't get me wrong, I've had tons of fun. I've met some friends I hope to keep the rest of my life. Not all of this experience has been discouraging, which I feel blessed for. If God has taught me one thing through all of this is that I really do need to make Him the center for my life and decisions. I'm taken back to when I was in Australia and while everything around me was falling apart, the fact that I was right with Jesus and focused fully on Him, nothing could touch me. No amount of rain could ruin my parade. He was all that I needed and I was  overwhelmed with happiness.

While I will enjoy my summer to its absolute fullest and make some incredible memories, it means something different this year. It's a time where I will let my sun be the Son and will let my words be the Word. I need to make some radical changes. I'm done being complacent with how my life is. Today is the day the Lord has made and I plan on rejoicing and being glad in it. I will no longer worry what others think. I will no longer be okay with less than God has for me. I refuse to not live to my full potential and put everything I have into the plans set forth for me.

In a way I feel reborn. I've already been reborn through Christ, but this is something different. I've been given a new heart and mind. My soul is already brand new through the love and blood of my Savior, but now it's up to me to let that love and knowledge flow to other vital parts of my life. I pray for the wisdom and understanding to help my brain guide me to decisions that are smart and productive. I pray that my heart can harness love and grace like never before. I already have the teacher, I just need to stop and listen to Him.

The answers aren't in the back of the book this time. I need to stop looking for the quick fix, the cheat sheet, or wait for others to give me the answers. I need to step back and pause. Open up the Word of God. Be enveloped into a world that isn't my own. I need to realize that the answers to life will not be force fed to me, doors won't just open, life doesn't work that way. Desiring a relationship, a true, meaningful, loving relationship with my Creator is all I need. Knowing Him is knowing the world. I know that He has not forgotten me, so how could I let myself forget Him. He has all the answers because he is the answer.

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

Reign Down On Me

Besides the Starbucks at every corner, Space Needle, and

Pike's Place, Seattle is known for one thing:

rain.

 Rain used to be one of my favorite things. I love the smell of it as it hits the dirt. I love the feel of it just pouring down. I love the sound of it hit tin rooftops.Paints a pretty picture, right...wrong.Wrong when you see far more of it than you were ever hoping to in a 

lifetime. 

In the last few days Mother Nature has been extremely emotional. It's sunny, it's raining, it's hailing, it's raining, it's sleeting, it's raining. It has been extremely frustrating to me after coming home from a week of sun, tanning, and uninterrupted bliss. I've tried to maintain a positive, normal-like, energetic mood as best as I can, however the weather seems to have gotten everyone in a cloudy mood. That was until...today.

I started the morning bright and early at 7:30 am. I immediately fell back asleep. Who gets up that early on purpose? I then woke up around 9:15 after my first class had already begun. I took a shower, blow-dried, and straightened my hair(extremely rare occurrence since I've been here), attempted at waking up my oh so cranky best friend for Chapel, and ultimately ended up going without her. Another friend had met me in my room to head up to Chapel. We looked outside at the extreme downpour we were about to walk into and I thought to myself, "Uhm, I just straightened my hair. I am NOT ruining this. No way." So, what's the normal thing to do? Take my backpack off and put it over my hair. Then it happened. Being me, I thought it was a clever idea to put my phone and camera in the very front pocket of my backpack so that when I lifted it above my head they both would come crashing down, shattering my smart phone. Clearly wasn't as smart as it appeared to be.

A few minutes later we find out Chapel is canceled and I feel even more frustrated that this happened...and for what? Absolutely nothing. I continued to have the same, angry mentality throughout the rest of the day. In my Christian Thought class, which I'll admit I was half-listening to, I heard one thing extremely clear. "The Holy Spirit will make it apparent that it's there. When it reveals itself, you will know." As I walked down from class, still in the rain, I noticed something. I saw rain all around me, in front, behind, on both sides...yet I didnt feel

one

single

drop.

Now this might just sound weird to you, but I truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. What? You didn't feel rain on you so clearly it was the inclusion of the Holy Spirit. It was. As I kept walking I thought maybe I just wasn't feeling it because my clothes were shielding me from the dampness. Then I got inside and realized I was completely dry. I knew what I was feeling, however, feeling only accounts for so much. I sat down and dove a little bit deeper into what God's point was in all of this and then it came to me. 

Life is full of rainstorms. The things of this world cloud our judgment and it's voice is a thundering roar. However, we have an umbrella of hope that will protect us through any storm. God protects us in our darkest, coldest, most frustrating times and continues to be that ray of sunshine we need to light our way back to comfort and warmth.

It was so easy for me this Spring Break when I was outside of the real world and everything seemed to be going right. I had so much on my mind leading up to that trip. I had a sense of guilt about almost everything. I had an extremely confusing boy situation that tore me up inside at the thought of hurting or being hurt and while I still don't know how they feel about it, I was at peace that clarification was being revealed. I had been praying for so long for a friendship that I value more than almost any other to be mended back together. The thought of being so disconnected from someone I value, respect, and admire so much and the possibility of them just not caring, killed me inside. Over the course of that trip and the few days since, it happened. That friendship has been restored and I pray that it continues to stay how it is, if not get better. So many good things had been happening while I was away and as soon as I got home I let the world enter back into my heart. I let it pour on me in all the things I was hoping to be rid of.

My prayer from here forward is that God will reign over any rain that may try to wash away the plans He has for me. Remembering that lightening never strikes twice and that everyday is a new one to electrify the Kingdom of God. That I may have to walk through a few puddles but under His grace I will never get caught in a flood. I'm so blessed to be alive. I pray I get the privilege to continue to wake up every morning and see the Son shining through my window.

Light of the world, forever reign.

Water Turned Into Wine

Miracles. 

They happen everyday. I always envisioned a miracle looking something like being able to walk on water, turning a couple loaves of bread into a feast for everyone and their brother, or making blind men see. The reality is that a miracle is simply something that you can't do on your own.

mir·a·cle

           [mir-uh-kuhl] 

noun

1.

an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

The most common miracle I've seen in my life would definitely be water turning into wine. Taking something common and normal and totally bringing the party to it. Jesus wants us to raise our red solo cups filled with the blessings he continues to serve us. A shot of love, chased down with a strong passion for us. It's some strong stuff. He wants us to be drunk. Being drunk gives you an alternate sense of reality. It takes you to a place that is not your normal realm of thoughts and ideas. I want to get totally crunk off the love of Jesus. I want to see HIS alternate reality, ideals, and plans for me. 

Since I've arrived at Northwest University I've been on a whirlwind of emotions and adventures. I've met people I hope to know for the rest of my life. I am finding myself getting more and more in love with my Creator. I can't help but be excited for the rest of my life. Everyday is a miracle. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. REJOICE in today!

Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! 

The Stand.

It's been quite the week. So much has happened. The majority of it took place in my mind. I've felt such

joy

terror

 annoyance

sadness

weakness

but most of all, love.

 

The years, months, and days leading up to this journey have been played up in my head to create this imagery of perfection and pure happiness. I didn't take into account how reality might play out. I didn't think about the actuality of how I would react to such a new environment, financial confusion, lonliness, and fear of the unknown. I would tell myself, "Hannah, your faith will guide you through this. There is nothing to worry about." While this is true, we were made with these things called feelings and fears. 

My lovelies. Kenzie and Jordy :)

I found out a week before I left that I had not been placed with a new roommate, since the falling through of my original one. As I finally arrived at what had become my personal Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth that I could imagine, it hit me. I was really here. This was reality now. As I was filling out a housing form I saw a girl and her mom sitting on the couch next to me, also filling theirs out. I looked up a few times and thought, my word that girl is pretty...and...I really need to go shopping. She looked like so much fun and oh so classy! We then looked at our forms and both noticed something quite pecuiliar...our room numbers seemed to be a perfect match. Are you kidding me? YES! SCORE! I was absolutely delighted. Definitely a "Praise the Lord" moment. 

My incredible new friends! Lalo,Kenzie,Gilbert,Jordy. Love them!

While lots of people would rejoice in the fact of having no roommate, I detested the idea. I prayed so much that they would find me a placement. Needless to say, we were both excited and immediately hit it off. For the last week or so we have been absolutely inseparable. She is one of those people that completely captures the room even before she walks in. At times I felt in her shadow and really believed that I was going to be stuck there all semester. Once I realized that it as my insecurity and not her fault I was able to have peace and start becoming myself again. I've made tons of new friends! I'm sure they aren't quite sure whether to think I'm funny or crazy. It's a question I ask myself everyday. I love who I've been created to be because I've learned to trust my Creator.

This has definitely been the most insecure week of my life. I've felt emotions I didn't know I had.  While at first I viewed this insecurity as a bad thing it led me to something, someONE who is always there for me. Jesus has been blowing my mind this week. Every Monday night there is an hour long worship session called Pursuit and it is something I have been unknowingly searching for. You can worship anywhere, however, my love language is quality time. Quality time with Jesus and people loving Jesus is one of the coolest feelings imaginable. I also was put outside my comfort zone. God was persistent on one thing that night, he kept saying "SPEAK TO ME. SHOUT OUT TO ME". I thought to myself, I am! "NO! Talk to me! Let me hear your voice!" I have issues praying aloud. I tend to proofread my prayer as I'm saying it and it becomes more about the delievery, rather than truly speaking to Jesus.

In that moment I opened my mouth and I talked. I spoke to Him. I told Him my heart. I told Him I loved Him. I thanked Him for the friends new and old that I've been blessed with. I prayed to be challenged this semester and beyond. 

I've been at one church for 7 1/2 years. It's all I've known. I haven't ventured out and challenged myself. I haven't let myself out of fear of not being able to handle it. I felt like I couldn't do this whole "Jesus thing" like those people I looked up to. Jesus isn't cookie cutter. He can't be put into a syllabus. I pray everyday and would appreciate if you prayed that Jesus would consume my life this semester. Pray for challenge. Pray for growth. 

I will stand every day.

Arms high and heart abandoned

in AWE of the one who gave it all.

Stand up and be the Jesus people can see. Lift your arms up as to let Him pick you up and feel the embrace of His endless and unfailing love. Let your heart be abandoned to let Him occupy it. Stand in awe as you recall the most beautiful thing anyone has and will ever do for you. Remember that you were made for a purpose. A purpose so unimaginable and beautiful that Death will never be able to hold you down.

You are loved.

Your Love Is a Song

Oh Your love is a symphony.

I love the way your heart beats in unison with mine. Your voice is a melody to soothe me. I can hear the tone of your strength and the vibrato of your peace that lives within me. You're my favorite song. I keep you on repeat all day, never in silence. When the worries of the world feel like too much to handle I just turn your volume up. You are music to my ears and the root of my being. Thank you for listening to me. But thank you even more for letting me listen to you.

That Awkward Moment.

You know those awkward moments we all go through. Oh wait, I believe the word is life. 

Life is full of awkwardness. We don't know what we're doing or why we're doing it most of the time. In the moment everything usually makes sense. It's not until we reflect back and realize how the situation, in reality, panned out and what we could have done differently.

Time machines do not exist and we can't take back something once we've entered it into the the world. I just lost my best friend due to both of us having issues. I realize, looking back, that I should have not said things that I said. I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. Most of all I realize the damage is done and only time and a change of heart can mend what's been broken. Although sad, I am extremely content with where my life is right now.

It also helped me realize that I have a problem. I believe it's called word vomit. I tend to spew out things I wish I never said. I don't hear what comes out of my mouth or my keyboard for that matter sometimes. I have spent a lot of my time in life alone. At times I love it. However it has taken me to a place that I really need to work on. I tend to overthink when I'm alone. I daydream. I Facebook... I read too much into things. Oh he messaged me on Facebook. Wow...he's cute. At the rate this is going we're probably going to get married. I go from 0 to 60 in five seconds. I then tell all my closest friends everything I'm feeling...in extreme detail might I add. Like I said, I have word vomit. I can't help what I'm saying, it just comes out. 

It gets really bad once I finally am interacting with real life human beings. I can hear my conscience telling me to shut my mouth and calm down, but my spastic brain is too busy thinking to listen. I've become so accustomed to being alone that when I finally get with people I have to release all that's been happening in my head. It's become more of a personality trait than I would like. I'm praying in this transition into my whole NU world can slowly cure me of word vomit. This sickness enables me to say things I probably shouldn't say. I sincerely hope that I'm able to truly start over in this new chapter of my life.

Although I know people at my new school, at times I wish I didn't. At times I wish I could truly start over. A clean slate. A place where nobody knows me. A place where nobody has pre-concieved notions of me. I don't know what is going on in anyone's minds and at times it can get extremely frustrating. Word vomit and social awkwardness is no longer in my future. Some things are just better left unsaid.

Don't just be another awkward moment.

Silence Is Deadly.

The power of a secret could be the deciding factor between life or death. 

What is the purpose of a secret? Why do we hold things in so much? Why is it so hard for us to be honest with each other? Everyone has a secret so why is it such a big deal? Everyone does what everyone else is doing anyway.

You may have heard of the brilliant idea by a man named Frank Warren called PostSecret. It is an outlet to those who have nowhere else to go with these things they bottle in. How it works is you write down your secret in any way you'd like to and mail it to the address they provide for you. I was just reading some of them and while some are funny, others are sexual, haunting, beautiful, and some extremely intense. It made me think how many thousands and thousands of secrets are being kept even by my friends. No matter what anyone will tell you at face value, everyone has something they would rather keep locked inside.

The reasons for this could be endless. They are scared people will judge them. They are scared people might not treat them the same. They are scared they can lose their job, their family, friends, even God. In the last years I have lost count of the amount of suicides I've heard of. It's heartbreaking to know that those people didn't have someone to reach out to because they were too frightened. What was scaring them to the point of death? Was it that they were getting picked on at school? Maybe they were addicted to painkillers and they didn't know the next step. Maybe it was stress from school, parents, standard of perfection, lack of love.

Why can't we be honest and transparent about what we have/are going through? Why is it so hard to love each other through the good and the bad? Who will be your friends through it all? It's quite interesting. I've told a few people the things I've been through, or at least pieces. I refuse to sit here and lie to myself and the world.

How can anyone know how far we've come until they've seen where we've been?

So here I am. On the internet. About to tell you my secrets. I have no idea who reads this, cares about this, or will find me offensive or think of me differently after this. I refuse to let myself cower away from the truth.The only person I should have to worry about judging me is God and I know fully that is not how He does things. He keeps no record of wrongs so why should anyone else. Well here it goes...

One time I finished a homework assignment 3 weeks after it was due and put it under the teacher's desk like he accidentally dropped it......I got an A on that assignment.

Since I started working at Taco Bell it's all that I eat.

I peed my bed and my pants off and on until 5th grade.

I have been drunk one time in my life...and I threw up on someone.

I've stolen something from a store.

Sometimes I can't stand the fact that I can't see God

I know so many people yet I always feel so alone.

 At one point in my life I believed I was in love with one of my guy friends.

I have told myself that the reason I've never had a boyfriend isn't because I am not pretty, funny, smart, worth it, or because I talk too much....but because I've made myself become one of the 'bros'. And at times I really wonder if there is anyone out there for me.

I'm going to a Christian school and I'm scared of not fitting in.

I'm nervous about being judged for my tattoo

 and that those who attend won't show

the same Grace as

they preach

about.

I feel like the "last resort" friend. The friend that people remember when they've run out of options.

When I was five years old I was molested. I never told anyone.
I thought for the longest time that it was a

dream and that I was making it up.
I didn't understand what it meant or that it was wrong.
As I've grown up, I've felt like I have grown stronger because of it

so I didn't feel the need for it to be made a big deal.

 In the last few months I went to Australia, fell apart there, gained my faith back in abundance,
moved in with my best friend, lost her and my Godson due to something ridiculous,
got accepted to the school of my dreams, lost friends, and sometimes don't know
why I've had to go through so much bad. That I've been focusing so
much on God that I feel like He should bless me, like I
somehow deserve it.

I really thought my [ex]best friend and I would be best friends forever.

MY biggest fear is dying before getting married and having children.

I feel that God has called me into the field of youth ministries

and I am on the path towards becoming a youth pastor

but I feel like so many people are judging

me. I don't think some people take

my relationship with God seriously

or my ambitions.Sometimes I am

even doubting if I'll be able 

to Carry the Call. It 

scares me so much.

It makes me sad that I give so much love to people and all they can focus

on is the bad or weird in me.

I'm one of the easiest people to make fun of and 

while it really doesn't affect me most of

the time, I wish people would

treat me nicer.

ometimes I get really jealous that other girls can put together an outfit with their eyes closed and I take so much time trying to get ready in the morning and they still look perfect.

I get nervous praying out loud because I feel like

I'm critiquing what I say and thinking

too much about it rather than 

Letting Go

and

Letting God.

These are just some of the things I have had bottled inside of me. I urge you to tell someone your secrets. Feel free to share yours with me anonymously or publicly. Check out the postsecret online. Don't be so afraid of what people will think of you.  Jesus was ridiculed throughout His life and He felt peace with it and still loved all those who beat and bruised Him, physically and emotionally. I don't assume that everyone reading this will be okay with any of the above. Some might laugh, others concerned, others cry. I don't have a clue. I just refuse to be the girl who was too scared to share that I had to take my life to prove to people that I am someone worth loving and worth knowing. This isn't me being WEAK. This is me being strong enough to understand how beautiful life is. Please never feel like you aren't worth it. You were worth the ultimate sacrifice. He died so you would live. Never take that for granted. I might not know you but I love you. I've never seen you, yet I feel for you. Encourage each other. Love you all.