Who Is That Girl I See?

Who would have thought a whole new world was hiding behind the mask of insecurity? This is definitely more of a random blog, but it was on my heart and I felt like expressing it.

Something I have always prided myself on was not having insecurities. I often look at other girls and even boys and get so frusturated as they tear themselves apart, inch by inch. I've always told myself, " I love you just the way God made you." While for the most part I agree with this, lately I have begun to turn into those people I never thought I'd be.

Since I was probably in kindergarten I got called things like "monkey" and "crater face. At the beginning it absolutely bugged me, but as time went on I just got used to people being mean to me. It really didnt phase me. In high school I'm surprised I didnt have some crazy complex from the vile things people said to me. I didnt know fashion...in the 5th grade, so apparently I looked dirty and needed to take a shower. I was TOO skinny and was called names like Hannarexic. Kids are cruel.

For the longest time, it was my teeth. They were crooked, they were sticking out, they were ugly and I hated what I saw. Although it never became major issue and smiling was my number one facial expression, I still couldn't stand them. I got braces which really excited me, but then after awhile I resented them. I knew I wanted them in the beginning, but now I just wanted them off. I started wearing more makeup. I didnt connect the two at first, but I now realize I was trying to cover up the insecurity of my mouth by bringing the attention to my face.

Finally my braces came off and I knew that was the last step in my tranformation. That was the only big insecurity I had ever had and it was now over. Right after they came off, I remember looking in the mirror as I applied my makeup that morning and thought...I'm ugly. I thought these words AFTER I had put on my makeup. I began to dislike what I looked like with makeup on. The less I put on, the prettier I felt. I would go out in public as soon as I woke up. My looks are no longer a priority in my life. I'm not sure the exact reason why, but I dont want to fight it.

This is me as I'm writing this blog :)

I loved waking up this morning, going upstairs, brushing my teeth, and leaving. It was probably the prettiest I felt in a very long time. Granted, all day I've been doing dreaded and way overdue summer homework so getting out hasn't been a priority, I wish it had been. I took a picture of myself at this exact moment in time. No makeup, hair up, chillin in a sweater, no cares in the world.

Insecurity has been given a whole new meaning to me in the last several months and that could possibly be the reason for my dramatic new point of view of myself. I think having insecurities are healthy. If we didnt, our lives would be perfect and there would be no room to lean on God. I agree we shouldn't let our insecurities totally rule our lives and I think this is God's way of bringing me closer to Him. I understand this is a very random way of bringing this to my attention. However, if I cant love myself in the way He made me, in a way am I mocking Him?

Right out of the shower.

Yes, I'll probably still wear makeup. I'm not totally disregarding it, but definitely a minimal amount. I know I'm beautiful, because I was made in the image of Jesus. A whole new world has been opened up on the other side of the mirror and for that I'm forever grateful.

I love who I am because I love who let me be me.