Your Love Is a Song

Oh Your love is a symphony.

I love the way your heart beats in unison with mine. Your voice is a melody to soothe me. I can hear the tone of your strength and the vibrato of your peace that lives within me. You're my favorite song. I keep you on repeat all day, never in silence. When the worries of the world feel like too much to handle I just turn your volume up. You are music to my ears and the root of my being. Thank you for listening to me. But thank you even more for letting me listen to you.

That Awkward Moment.

You know those awkward moments we all go through. Oh wait, I believe the word is life. 

Life is full of awkwardness. We don't know what we're doing or why we're doing it most of the time. In the moment everything usually makes sense. It's not until we reflect back and realize how the situation, in reality, panned out and what we could have done differently.

Time machines do not exist and we can't take back something once we've entered it into the the world. I just lost my best friend due to both of us having issues. I realize, looking back, that I should have not said things that I said. I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. Most of all I realize the damage is done and only time and a change of heart can mend what's been broken. Although sad, I am extremely content with where my life is right now.

It also helped me realize that I have a problem. I believe it's called word vomit. I tend to spew out things I wish I never said. I don't hear what comes out of my mouth or my keyboard for that matter sometimes. I have spent a lot of my time in life alone. At times I love it. However it has taken me to a place that I really need to work on. I tend to overthink when I'm alone. I daydream. I Facebook... I read too much into things. Oh he messaged me on Facebook. Wow...he's cute. At the rate this is going we're probably going to get married. I go from 0 to 60 in five seconds. I then tell all my closest friends everything I'm feeling...in extreme detail might I add. Like I said, I have word vomit. I can't help what I'm saying, it just comes out. 

It gets really bad once I finally am interacting with real life human beings. I can hear my conscience telling me to shut my mouth and calm down, but my spastic brain is too busy thinking to listen. I've become so accustomed to being alone that when I finally get with people I have to release all that's been happening in my head. It's become more of a personality trait than I would like. I'm praying in this transition into my whole NU world can slowly cure me of word vomit. This sickness enables me to say things I probably shouldn't say. I sincerely hope that I'm able to truly start over in this new chapter of my life.

Although I know people at my new school, at times I wish I didn't. At times I wish I could truly start over. A clean slate. A place where nobody knows me. A place where nobody has pre-concieved notions of me. I don't know what is going on in anyone's minds and at times it can get extremely frustrating. Word vomit and social awkwardness is no longer in my future. Some things are just better left unsaid.

Don't just be another awkward moment.

Silence Is Deadly.

The power of a secret could be the deciding factor between life or death. 

What is the purpose of a secret? Why do we hold things in so much? Why is it so hard for us to be honest with each other? Everyone has a secret so why is it such a big deal? Everyone does what everyone else is doing anyway.

You may have heard of the brilliant idea by a man named Frank Warren called PostSecret. It is an outlet to those who have nowhere else to go with these things they bottle in. How it works is you write down your secret in any way you'd like to and mail it to the address they provide for you. I was just reading some of them and while some are funny, others are sexual, haunting, beautiful, and some extremely intense. It made me think how many thousands and thousands of secrets are being kept even by my friends. No matter what anyone will tell you at face value, everyone has something they would rather keep locked inside.

The reasons for this could be endless. They are scared people will judge them. They are scared people might not treat them the same. They are scared they can lose their job, their family, friends, even God. In the last years I have lost count of the amount of suicides I've heard of. It's heartbreaking to know that those people didn't have someone to reach out to because they were too frightened. What was scaring them to the point of death? Was it that they were getting picked on at school? Maybe they were addicted to painkillers and they didn't know the next step. Maybe it was stress from school, parents, standard of perfection, lack of love.

Why can't we be honest and transparent about what we have/are going through? Why is it so hard to love each other through the good and the bad? Who will be your friends through it all? It's quite interesting. I've told a few people the things I've been through, or at least pieces. I refuse to sit here and lie to myself and the world.

How can anyone know how far we've come until they've seen where we've been?

So here I am. On the internet. About to tell you my secrets. I have no idea who reads this, cares about this, or will find me offensive or think of me differently after this. I refuse to let myself cower away from the truth.The only person I should have to worry about judging me is God and I know fully that is not how He does things. He keeps no record of wrongs so why should anyone else. Well here it goes...

One time I finished a homework assignment 3 weeks after it was due and put it under the teacher's desk like he accidentally dropped it......I got an A on that assignment.

Since I started working at Taco Bell it's all that I eat.

I peed my bed and my pants off and on until 5th grade.

I have been drunk one time in my life...and I threw up on someone.

I've stolen something from a store.

Sometimes I can't stand the fact that I can't see God

I know so many people yet I always feel so alone.

 At one point in my life I believed I was in love with one of my guy friends.

I have told myself that the reason I've never had a boyfriend isn't because I am not pretty, funny, smart, worth it, or because I talk too much....but because I've made myself become one of the 'bros'. And at times I really wonder if there is anyone out there for me.

I'm going to a Christian school and I'm scared of not fitting in.

I'm nervous about being judged for my tattoo

 and that those who attend won't show

the same Grace as

they preach

about.

I feel like the "last resort" friend. The friend that people remember when they've run out of options.

When I was five years old I was molested. I never told anyone.
I thought for the longest time that it was a

dream and that I was making it up.
I didn't understand what it meant or that it was wrong.
As I've grown up, I've felt like I have grown stronger because of it

so I didn't feel the need for it to be made a big deal.

 In the last few months I went to Australia, fell apart there, gained my faith back in abundance,
moved in with my best friend, lost her and my Godson due to something ridiculous,
got accepted to the school of my dreams, lost friends, and sometimes don't know
why I've had to go through so much bad. That I've been focusing so
much on God that I feel like He should bless me, like I
somehow deserve it.

I really thought my [ex]best friend and I would be best friends forever.

MY biggest fear is dying before getting married and having children.

I feel that God has called me into the field of youth ministries

and I am on the path towards becoming a youth pastor

but I feel like so many people are judging

me. I don't think some people take

my relationship with God seriously

or my ambitions.Sometimes I am

even doubting if I'll be able 

to Carry the Call. It 

scares me so much.

It makes me sad that I give so much love to people and all they can focus

on is the bad or weird in me.

I'm one of the easiest people to make fun of and 

while it really doesn't affect me most of

the time, I wish people would

treat me nicer.

ometimes I get really jealous that other girls can put together an outfit with their eyes closed and I take so much time trying to get ready in the morning and they still look perfect.

I get nervous praying out loud because I feel like

I'm critiquing what I say and thinking

too much about it rather than 

Letting Go

and

Letting God.

These are just some of the things I have had bottled inside of me. I urge you to tell someone your secrets. Feel free to share yours with me anonymously or publicly. Check out the postsecret online. Don't be so afraid of what people will think of you.  Jesus was ridiculed throughout His life and He felt peace with it and still loved all those who beat and bruised Him, physically and emotionally. I don't assume that everyone reading this will be okay with any of the above. Some might laugh, others concerned, others cry. I don't have a clue. I just refuse to be the girl who was too scared to share that I had to take my life to prove to people that I am someone worth loving and worth knowing. This isn't me being WEAK. This is me being strong enough to understand how beautiful life is. Please never feel like you aren't worth it. You were worth the ultimate sacrifice. He died so you would live. Never take that for granted. I might not know you but I love you. I've never seen you, yet I feel for you. Encourage each other. Love you all.

A Life Worth Living

Where has the time gone? 

Life is the most interesting thing I've ever been a part of. Life can be viewed as sort of a relationship. At times we love it, hate it, savor it, ruin it, want to have it forever, and sometimes wish it never existed. It's so hard trying to convince yourself how truly blessed we all are to even be living. Life is precious and we are so undeserving of it.

In the last year and a half I've been through some of the best and worst times of all my 19 years on Earth. I've been tempted and as a result gave into that temptation. I've gained some amazing new people in my life as well as losing some I never pictured not being there. I've struggled with my faith and  have come to know God on a level I never dreamed possible. I went on an adventure of a lifetime gone bad and then got accepted to the school of my dreams. I've realized so much about myself and pray continuously that I will grow in all areas over the course of this next year.

A new school, new friends, current friends, new city, NU beginnings. Life means everything to me. I know I was given a special gift and I should really send a Thank You card to God. Life without purpose is no life at all. Why are we on Earth? What's the point. I wish I could know the plans He has for me. But that's for Him to know and me to find out I suppose. Why are certain people in my life? Who are my real friends? What shenanigans will I get myself into next? I'm so privileged to not know what my future holds. If I knew exactly how the rest of my life would pan out, what's the point in living. It's like watching a movie and that jerk friend telling you the best parts.

I urge everyone to live for right now. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. Take advantage of what you've been given today. Far too many people have left this Earth in recent times. I vow to never let someone know how much they meant to my life via their deceased Facebook page. While I think it's beautiful that people come together to honor a person who was such a light in their lives, I wonder. I wonder why they didn't know those things before they were gone. I wonder if Heaven has Facebook. Could you imagine what Jesus's relationship status must look like?

"Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it".-Psalm 118:24

Understand that nobody is promised to make it until morning. Always remind those you love that you do in fact love them. Stop holding back from the blessings you've been presented with. We have one life to live here, make it worth it. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are worth dying for, so make your life worth living for.